Before I forget all the events of this past week, I want to take the time to recount each day - for my memory and giving you the opportunity to see God at work in even the hardest of moments.
12:30am on July 10, my stepdad Roger called me from the ER asking me to come right away. Typically (often) when mom goes to the ER, I try my best to come but not always can. Roger made it clear I needed to come right away. In my sleepy state, I told him I was on my way, thinking Joel was home and could stay with the kids. Well, as I walked around the house looking for Joel, I realized he was out of town camping. I started making phone calls and as I was more and more awake, I realized this was serious and that my mom may truly die. I called my aunt, her sister 13 months younger, and she drove straight to the hospital. My brother also went right away. I called Joel's mom and stepdad to come over so I could go, praying and pleading with God to let me see my mom alive one more time. I also called several girlfriends, whose husbands were also on the camping trip, hoping they could wake their husbands and one of them would bring Joel home. After 30-45 minutes of calling all the guy's cell phones, one finally answered and Joel and his buddy Jason were on their way back. It was a 2-2 1/2 hour drive, so again I was pleading with the Lord to keep my mom alive until Joel could make it up to the ICU. As we waited in the ICU waiting room, my dear friend Becca came (2am by now) and so did Jay's wife Lindsay and his buddy Eddy. We also called the SEC minister on call to come and pray with us. He was so kind and we are so thankful he sacrificed sleep to be with us in such a hard time.
The doctor came out a few times, informing us she was continuing to code and that the best heart rate they could get, on 5 BP meds, was 32/20. In my heart I knew.....but there was that glimmer of hope. Finally, after 4 hours of her being unstable, the nurse came out and told us we should come back. Again, I knew......
Seeing my mom, lifeless on the bed - hooked up to all the IV's (4) and seeing the respirator do all the work for her, feeling her cold hands, stroking her blood-stained cheek, I knew....
Somehow the Lord gave me the strength to ask my stepdad and brother if we should simply let her pass, not allowing anymore "codes". We all knew as her heart rate was dropping by the minute, that it was a matter of moments before her heart would stop again. We all agreed that she was not in that body anymore and decided to let her pass in peace, with all of us around her. 2 minutes later her heart beat for the last time. My stepdad, my brother and Lindsay, Joel and I, my aunt and my grannie were all present in the room. It was sad and hard and tears were shed.....but there was a peace that I have never felt before in my life. A peace that my mom was instantaneously whole, healthy, happy and most importantly with Jesus. We spent several moments in her room, crying, hugging, touching her. Then we all went out to the waiting room again and within moments we were in a circle praising God for his goodness, even in the midst of death. I was never in my life more thankful for Jesus than at 4:30am July 10, 2010. His death gave my mom eternal life - knowing this was not the end but only the beginning was all the comfort I needed. I miss her so bad it hurts and knowing she won't be there when we get off the plane from bringing Norah home makes me cry so hard I can barely breath. But my emotional pain is nothing compared to the years of sickness she endured. And now, no more sickness. Praise Jesus.
All day Saturday was spent answering phone calls, sending messages to loved ones and making the arrangements. It's a little bit of a blur but I know God sustained me and I give Him all the glory for carrying me through this valley.
Sunday Joel encouraged me to go to worship with him. Though I was hesitant, feeling so emotionally vulnerable, I decided I would not want to be anywhere else. So we went. I don't remember much of the sermon, but I do remember the 30 minutes of worship we had following the service and, though most of it was sung through painful tears, again I praise God for His Goodness in the midst of my weakness.
Monday we met with our dear friend Dale, who performed the service. We prayed, cried and recalled many memories about mom. We also shared that the most important words Dale could share with our family and friends was the Gospel - and boy did he preach it at the funeral!! So thankful for his God-given ability to share the love of Jesus.
Tuesday we had visitation from 2-8pm and I have no idea now many people came out, but there was never a moment without someone by my side, sharing memories, hugs and tears...many, many tears. Though we had originally planned to close mom's casket, at the last minute we decided to leave it open and I think that was a good decision - a lot of her friends appreciated seeing her and having that time of closure. By the end of the day, I was exhausted but so thankful for each and every person that came. We felt so loved and supported and it was good to see all the different chapters of mom's life represented. It made me sad in a way that I did not know parts of mom's life (she loved to dance, was diva-ish as a child - neither of which I ever knew).
Wednesday was the funeral, the day I dreaded but once it came, I again had a peace that only can come from the Lord. Our friend Donna came to watch the kids and we headed over to the funeral home. My brother and I spoke at the service and we had beautiful music (Brooks). It was a service that honored mom's life and, more importantly, Jesus. It really was everything we could have wanted. Saying our final goodbyes was not easy and as the last song was sung, the painful tears returned. I wanted more than anything for that moment in time to freeze - I did not want to get up from my front row chair, I wanted to stay there forever......but it was time to say goodbye and thank those who came. So we did just that. Our sunday school class provided all the food at my aunts house and we spent several hours there in the afternoon, eating, crying and sharing even more memories. It was so nice to have all my family and most of my dear friends right there. The love of Jesus was all around me.
Thursday, Friday and Saturday we spent cleaning out my moms house. She liked to buy things and save everything, so it took us all 3 days (with lots of folks coming to help) to straighten up the house and make it a nice home for Roger. It was very healing and Jay and I enjoyed seeing some of our childhood toys, pictures and arts and crafts. Though Saturday afternoon brought a level of exhaustion I have never had in my life, I am thankful that we were able to take care of this before boarding the plane to China (19 days from now!!).
My biggest prayer request right now is that God would help to prepare my heart to transition from one of the hardest times in my life to one of the best times. I cannot fathom how I will be able to do this -but God knows, He cares, He loves me and none of these events have caught Him off guard - He knew it was all coming. He will never give me more than I can handle, and I am resting on that promise as I put one foot in front of the other.